My happy

I was never a child, teenager, or young adult who felt like they had a concrete goal of where their life was to take them. I had an answer for the question, "What do you want to be when you grown up?" when it was asked. But the answer was usually taken from someone else or completely unrealistic, like pole dancer (what?!). On my first day of college, in my Longwood Seminar class, one of the first questions asked was, "why did you choose to go to college?". I was stumped. The only answer I could come up with was that it was the next logical step. It took me a year and a half to choose my major and I only declared because I had to. I just didn't have a plan, a dream.

After leaving college without graduating, by choice not grades, gemstones and diamonds gave me a temporary answer (thanks for supporting such a wild idea Dad!) of how I may want to spend my life. What girl doesn't want to spend her days staring at gorgeous, rare jewelry?!

Finally, after 6 years of pretty awesome marriage, travel and carefree fun, my husband and I were blessed with a heart beat in my belly. A flutter in an indistinguishable black and white picture. Joy, happiness, excitement, and flat out fear. From the beginning, I was terrified. Terrified of the life changes, lack of freedom, lack of sleep and new responsibilities. And to top it all off, horomones plus a changing body did not add great feelings to these fears. I wasn't a particularly happy pregnant woman, but also not miserable either, I think. We had some difficult times throughout the last 2 trimesters, but those are for the next post. If I knew during my pregnancy how I feel today, I would have enjoyed my pregnancy so much more.

I have found my happy.

I may not have had a profession that screamed "This is the place for you!", or a major in college that thrilled me, but I am where I am supposed to be. I am a mother. I live for every smile, giggle, milestone reached, and slobbery, open mouthed kiss. Diaper changes, surprisingly, don't bother me. Spit up, no big deal. And when I am out, or at the mall on a particulary adventurous day (ha!) I tend to find traces of pureed sweet potatoes, carrots and spinach somewhere on my clothing. I love my c-section scar and would be perfectly content if it never fades to a pencil thin line. My son is my light and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else at this point in my life.