Thank You!

"You promised to be there on this journey and that alone means more than we can ever tell you. To be loved...is the greatest feeling one can ever feel." -Kelle Hampton, Enjoying the Small Things

Dear Family and Friends,

Over the last 2 weeks we have been lifted up in more ways than I had ever imagined. Putting my thoughts about Mason's journey into words has in itself been a cathartic experience, but the responses and messages have been the most rewarding things about writing. Thank you to everyone who gave us their love, support, thoughts and prayers while we dealt with a very difficult situation. It meant the world to us to know that there were so many people wishing the best for Mason, especially those we have lost touch with over the years, and yet you have still made a special place in your heart to care about our son.

This is going to be a long road but knowing we have such incredible support will make it that much easier. I will keep everyone updated on what's going on post-surgery, we are hoping for great news. As was recommended, we are putting this behind us and looking forward to watching our little boy grow!


Thank you again for keeping our family in your thoughts!! I look forward to writing about all the fun things going on with our boy this summer and hope you'll stick with me!

Love, The Beasleys

Custom Made

The week before Mason's surgery, my nerves were shot. I would have little bursts of adrenaline that made me feel like I took a swift punch to the gut and a chill would wave over me. Then right back to normal. The hardest moments of the day were when he was sleeping and I was alone with my wandering, worrying mind. As soon as Mason would wake up and we'd play again, I was, for the most part, fine. It is hard to concentrate on the bad when he smiles and his blue eyes catch the light in just a way that if it were a cartoon, you would here that *ping!* sound. If you have spent any time with him, you know the sparkle I'm talking about.
Each night, I'd kinda shake my head and say to Travis, I can't believe it's actually happening. To have your baby have to face such a major surgery with a tough recovery is crazy! At his age he is rolling and army crawling everywhere. He is on the verge of real crawling and pulling up, and all of these movements require intense core muscles. His incision will be located precisely in the area where the muscles are worked the most. How in the world do you attempt to keep an exploring baby from over-exerting themselves?

The day before the procedure the grandmothers came over, loved on and played with him. Then came the difficult part of the day. Bed time. His eyes were droopy, he was yawning and it was already15 minutes past normal down time. I didn't want the day to end. I put him to bed and that's when the 'Ugly Cry' came out. Surprisingly, it didn't last as long as I expected. The 2 months of watching the calendar had done their job. It was here and that was that.

Morning. Tuesday. The surgery was scheduled for 9 am, we got there at 7:30, and waited.... Mason wasn't allowed any food or drink before the procedure, and even though his belly was empty and he was out the door an hour and a half before he usually wakes up, he was his normal, happy self. We waited... Finally at 8:40 Dr. Winslow, the urologist/surgeon, came to the waiting room along with the anethesiologist and assistants. We talked about what was going to happen, the previous surgery and the rough recovery. We were assured that because he was older and stronger, that wouldn't happen again. And then they left, taking Mason. He went out the door looking at the nurse and her funny hat, smiling. Sweet boy. Again, the feeling was what you would expect. Fortunately, the nurse had taken pity on our situation. We were the only infant surgery of the day so she had set us up in a private waiting room. I actually didn't cry for very long. Another surprise. I guess I had come to grips with the situation.

The procedure took 6 hours to complete. We had been told 3-4, but I knew it would take longer. We had a nurse liaison updating us every couple hours, but when 4.5 hours had passed, I started to squirm. Pacing, leg shaking, a lot of 'This sucks'. Finally she showed up in the doorway and said, he's in recovery! He hadn't cried once and was resting in another nurse's arms looking around. Sweet relief! Dr. Winslow came to speak with us about the way he altered Mason's very unique situation. Apparently Mason's ureters were incredibly misshapen and he seemed very proud of himself for his new construction.

The next few hours produced a rollercoaster of emotions. He had made it through the surgery beautifully and there were NO respiratory problems like before - Happiness and more relief. But he had no idea he had just had major surgery and that those critical core muscles that he had been strengthening with all the attempts at crawling were very tender and needed rest - Anxiety. He slept for a couple hours, but when he woke up he threw us a curveball. He remained calm, didn't try any sudden movements and let the nurses change his dressings with no fussing at all. I was astounded. I got a good look at his incision then too. It is a little larger than I expected. It almost goes hip to hip, but keep in mind, it's a baby's torso, so don't picture 9 inches, it's more like 4 1/2 inches. He had a couple drainage tubes and of course the catheter. It looks very well done though. Very clean and will fade with time nicely.

This was taken after the first dressing change. Clearly he isn't fazed by what he's just had done, or maybe it's the hydrocodone. Either way, he's happy, and he stayed this way for a long time. Around 3am his local anesthetic was wearing off and the coughing from the anesthesia started so he needed a boost of morphine, but that was the only one for the entire time we were in the hospital.

There were times the next day, Wednesday, that he was uncomfortable, fussed at the nurses, fussed at laying on his back still, fussed because he felt like it. All things considered though, pleasant. I was able to hold him that afternoon and we all fell asleep. The weight of his little body and steady puffs of breath were wonderful. It felt perfect. That afternoon, evening and night were good, some fussing. Thursday he woke up with a smile. Melt my heart. One of the drainage tubes was removed then we sat him up and he played with the toys we had brought. Nana, Grandma and Grandpa, Red and Kiko came to visit and the day gave us a fairly normal Mason. It's amazing how babies can recover from such a traumatic experience. I had been told that he would impress us with his speed of recovery but he really bounced back quickly. The evening into night was a little difficult for him. He had used so much energy during the day being normal, that he was pretty uncomfortable. It took awhile, but he eventually gave in to sleep and only woke once at 4:30 for a bottle and some meds. Friday morning presented us with more smiles and he was even rolling over and pulling his knees under him. The other drainage tube was taken out and the discharge papers were given. We did leave with his catheter still in which takes some creative diapering. Cut a strategically placed hole in the front of the first diaper, pull cath through said hole, and put on a larger diaper over top. Not only is the creative diapering unpleasant, but add a squirmy baby who likes to throw his legs and 'explore' with his hands, and the difficulty level is raised ten fold. It will be a giant relief, I'm sure for Mason as well, when Wednesday comes and the special addition is removed.

With all this said, and the week behind us, I still can not believe the big moment we have been waiting for, for nearly 9 months, is over. This procedure has been on my mind in some small way, and in many cases very big ways, every day and now it's behind us. And we wait. Sure, this will lead us to solving the reflux problem, but what will happen now? How will the kidneys react to the fix? Will they heal and leave him with enough healthy kidney for his lifetime or will they give enough to get him through adolescence then require a transplant? The hardest thing about his situation is that we have to wait for all the answers. For now I have the peace that he has cleared the first major hurdle and made it seem like it was just a slight hiccup in his week. We were blessed with one very tough little boy who has the biggest heart and smile ever. I knew from his kicks in my belly that he was a fighter, and he is proving to be even stronger than I had ever imagined.

I love my little man with all my heart, custom made plumbing and all.

Mason's Story Continued

After we got home from the hospital, we walked around in a daze for awhile. We didn’t have the new parent jitters, concerned about how we move, hold, change, and bathe him. We had learned quite a bit watching the nurses in the PICU, the only silver lining to what we had been through. Even though they had to pick him up from his crib and place him in my arms because of wires and tubes, I saw that they weren’t overly gentle. They were confident in their movements, and it gave me confidence. But the daze was hard to get out of. I suppose a bit of it attributes to post traumatic stress, whatever it was, it was heavy.

There was a break in the fog though, when I asked Travis to change a diaper. It was his first one since we had been home. Big deal for Daddy! I stood next to him, in case he needed an extra hand, and then it came. I’d guess about 50 mph, flying poop! It got all over Travis’s pants and had he not been standing there, it could have left at least a 5 foot skidmark on our carpet. FINALLY! Laughter we had not been able to have for 3 weeks! After that moment, our shoulders relaxed a little bit, our jaws loosened from the clench. We needed that release, and apparently so did Mason!

We had a nurse come by the house every few days to check Mason's weight, and each time he had an increase. With each weigh, more tension released. Our first pediatrician appointment, the doctor said, "Treat that baby like a normal baby". He said we had ICU brain and that we were home for a reason. More stress taken off our shoulders.

And then we got into a routine. Eat, sleep, poop, and repeat. His sleep was so good, we tried not to talk about it too much, for fear something would change! He continued to gain weight and we started to heal the emotional wounds that had been hanging on since leaving the hospital. Looking back at pictures, you can really see how quickly he improved. These 2 pictures were taken about 2 weeks apart. The left one is 4 days after getting home, and the right is 2 weeks later. Mama's milk does a baby good!

We had a follow up appointment with the urologist, Dr. Winslow, who did the surgery 2 weeks after getting home. Blood was taken, and his creatinine had come down to around 0.7. We wouldn't be seen again for another 2 months. That freaked me out! He went from having his blood drawn and scrutinized everyday, and now they won't even be in contact with him for 2 months! It gave me a little hope also. He prescribed him a long term antibiotic to be taken everyday. Even though antibiotics are frowned upon, it keeps him from getting a kidney infection.

2 months later, we had an appointment with a pediatric nephrologist (kidney specialist), Dr. Ristaino, who did an ultrasound. Our little bubble of denial that we had built up was popped. An easy description, his left kidney still had grade 5 reflux, right kidney is small for his size. She was very informative, and reminded us that this is something that is a long term concern. It's not something that will have answers any time soon. The next week we saw Dr. Winslow and Mason's creatinine had come down to 0.5. The doctor was pleased with the improvement and told us that it was what he was expecting to see. His next surgery would be around a year old. See ya in 3 months!

Our holidays were wonderful. Mason's first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Day had been perfect. Not quite Norman Rockwell perfect, there weren't any horse drawn sleigh rides, but pretty darn close. As you can tell from the pictures, he developed some delicious chubs and rolls and was hitting his milestones like he should. Rolled over, sat up unassisted, started solids. My denial bubble was growing.

At the end of January he had his next set of blood work and ultrasound, then February 14th, Valentine's Day, was his next doctor's appointment. *POP!* Denial bubble burst. His creatinine was 0.4, still great on current kidney function, but the ultrasound was still showing a very large, very fluid filled kidney. The right kidney also had fluid in it, but is small for Mason's size. There is a decent amount of healthy tissue around the fluid though. Dr. Winslow wanted to schedule the next surgery for the end of April, when Mason is 9 months old. I was kind of taken back that he wanted it to be so much sooner. He was pleased with Mason's growth, because sometimes kidney problems can cause stunting and he feels that he will be strong enough to handle the surgery. The nephrologist agreed and she feels the sooner the better. Right now his kidneys are functioning at 100%, and the sooner we try to get them to heal, the better his chances are for the future. We have been fortunate that he has never had an infection, because that would cause definite scarring.

The Surgery: Ureter Reimplantation - It's a long explanation, so basically, his plumbing is going to be reworked. The link will explain it better than I can.

The surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, April 19th at St. Mary's Hospital. It should take about 3-4 hours to do the procedure and he will be there for about 3-4 days recovering. The point of the surgery is to save the healthy tissue so that he can have enough healthy kidney to sustain him for the rest of his life. A person only needs one to live a full life. We are hoping that with both kidneys combined they will equal one healthy kidney. But to continue the theme, We Will See. There are no answers for us at this point. Just hope.

My feelings are as to be expected. I don't want this to have to happen. The last time, I didn't have time to think about what was going on. It just was. Now, I've had 2 months to watch the date get closer and the reality to soak in as deep as it can. We have created a mother/child bond that is so strong. We spend a lot of our days staring and smiling at each other. I have stretches of days where I have mini crying episodes all day, and days where I am at peace with what needs to happen. Bottom line is that I don't want my baby to hurt. Ever. My heart breaks everytime I think about what he is going to have to tackle again.

He has protectors and so many people who love him. He has prayers all over the world coming his way. I owe it to him to be the strongest person he knows. To hold myself together as best I can even if on the inside I am about to crawl out of my skin.

We Will See.

Mason's Story

On January 4, 2010 I couldn't hold it any longer. I had to go and I was still out on the road for work. The box of 'special sticks' were on the passenger seat, screaming at me to use one. It was early afternoon and the box clearly states that I need to use it first thing in the morning when the stream is the most potent. I couldn't wait. I ran into a random restaurant bathroom, out of urgency not excitement, and did the deed. Surely the stick would read 'Not Pregnant'. But it didn't. 'Pregnant' in a random restaurant bathroom, middle of the day, by myself. It took everything I had to stifle my squeal and leave my cell phone in my purse. My heart pounded for the rest of the afternoon. And then I took another test when I got home, just to make sure. 'Pregnant'. My husband was stunned, I was in disbelief. My parents had some difficulties with trying to conceive, adopted my older sister and brother and then surprisingly created me. There was a possibility the same could happen for me. BUT! Now time to tell the parents. My mom had just had shoulder surgery, and I knew the perfect way to cheer her up.

So begins the next chapter of our lives.

Throughout the first 20 weeks, I felt physically pretty good. Tired in the afternoons and gagged when I brushed my teeth, but overall very good. And meal time became a favorite part of the day. But then, things changed.

April 15th started with butterflies, an extra long hair and makeup session, a dress purchased specifically for this day, and photographs before leaving for the doctors office. Dolls or GI Joe? Tea parties or mudpies? Penis. When Dr. Moore (awesome OB/Gyn BTW!) walked in the room, he had a concerned smile, and in my heart of hearts, it didn't feel right. He said, "So...It's a boy! That's pretty great!.....Is there any history of kidney problems on either side?" Crash. Rock bottom. I went from feeling the highest, most euphoric high a woman can have, to the absolute lowest of the low. There was something off on the ultrasound. Black areas in the kidneys that really shouldn't be there. We were referred to a perinatal specialist and when the receptionist made the appointment with us sitting right next to her, she said to the person on the other line that we needed this appointment 'like yesterday'. The knife in my heart was twisted and shoved a little deeper. My husband held my hand and squeezed, reading my mind and facial expressions. Desperation in my eyes. Is this really happening? Tell me this is a dream. The rest of the day was full of breakdowns, hugs, words that were trying their hardest to be as reassuring as possible, and more breakdowns.

Over the next 4 months we had monthly ultrasounds, each time hoping the perinatal specialist would say that they had made a mistake, everything seems to be fine and there's nothing to worry about, but that was never said and concern was always made clear. Still fluid in the kidneys, possibly a cyst. But always the question of what is actually happening in my sweet baby's belly. We wouldn't know until he is born. Travis and I would leave the appointments analyzing voice inflections, strategically placed 'what if's' and 'could be's'. We never knew if what they were telling us indicated that our baby would have the possibility of not making it. A cloud that was always there. I focused on his kicks and hiccups and knew that they were solid and had meaning. My baby was telling me he is strong and that he would fight when he was finally in our arms. Those kicks were what gave me confidence.

July 29, 2010 - At our 35 week ultrasound we got some different information. One week had made a huge difference in amniotic fluid and the doctor wanted to see us the next day. This could be time. I asked him if that meant we should pack our bags, half joking, expecting "No, no, it's nothing like that, we just want to monitor things...." But to my surprise he said that wasn't a bad idea. Later that afternoon, Dr. Moore called and asked for us to go ahead in to labor and delivery that night. He wanted to put me on IV fluids through the night and see what happens. We couldn't believe it! Our furniture hadn't arrived yet, I hadn't even thought about what goes into a hospital bag and we still had 5 weeks! That's over a month and in gestation time that's a long time!

July 30, 2010, Friday - Throughout the night my blood pressure stayed high, and the next morning Dr. Moore made his grand entrance and informed us that we weren't going to bother with another ultrasound to check the fluids. Today was the day. Talk about high blood pressure! I cried all day, out of fear, disbelief, confusion, and venturing into the unknown of what was actually going on with our baby's kidneys. We were going to find out in a matter of hours. I knew birth plans weren't usually stuck to, but this was NOT how I anticipated things to go. I tried to be excited for our family and best friend Anna, put on a brave face, but I couldn't hold myself together. The picture to the left says it all. Agony behind a forced smile. Finally after a very long 7 hours of waiting, it was my turn in the OR. We would be parents within the hour. Sureal. Spinal block. Curtains. Nurses. Glances at my husband who through this whole ordeal was my rock. Pressure.

"Here he comes!" "HE PEED ON ME!" And with those words a wave of relief swept over me. There is at least some hope that things may not be as bad as we thought. He has the ability to pee. Cries. And then I saw the most angelic face sticking out of a bundle of blankets with that classic pink and blue beanie. More tears. But these tears had different meaning. They felt different. I am a mother, we are parents, and our baby boy is here! Mason Montgomery Beasley, 6lbs 1oz.

As most preemie, c-section babies do, he had some respiratory problems, and I didn't see him for close to 10 hours. But for the rest of the weekend we had a perfect baby. Cried like a normal baby, peed and pooped like a normal baby. Surely things can't be but so bad in his belly. Maybe he just needed to be born and release the fluid with that momentous pull from my body.

August 2, 2010, Monday - This was the moment of truth. Time for his ultrasound to take a good look in his beautiful pink belly. Bad news. His kidneys had significant amounts of fluid in them. Surgery was necessary and it would happen the next day.

The diagnosis: Vesicoureteral Reflux. Each kidney has 2 ureters (tubes) when usually there is only 1. One of the ureters was flowing into a ureterocele (separated pocket in his bladder) therefore not flowing out of his body. This made the urine constantly reflux (flow) into the kidney making it very large. This also made the other kidney reflux but not as severely. There are 5 grades of reflux 1 being the least amount, 5 being the greatest. Mason has grade 5. His entire kidney fills with fluid. This could cause scarring and lead to eventual kidney failure. It is something that has to be watched over his lifetime, with some key checkpoints.

August 3, 2010, Surgery day - They didn't have to cut, they went through his urethra and incised the ureterocele in his bladder. Things started to drain and the surgeon noticed the ureter from kidney to bladder was really enlarged because of the pocket not filtering and fluid backing up into the kidney. We were really fortunate that we knew there was something to be checked and that Richmond has a really good pediatric urologist (there are only about 300 in the whole country, and a group of just 3 in Richmond).

After surgery, he had a really bad respiratory problem. Couldn't breathe, sounded awful and I hope none of you will ever have to listen to the sounds we heard for the next 4 days or so. It came from the tube aggrivating his little throat because it was potentially too large of a tube, on top of him being 5 weeks early. His creatinine level, checked by a blood test, which shows how well a kidney is functioning was 3.0 at the time of surgery. A normal infant's level is 0.3. Had we not known to anticipate this problem, he was headed to kidney failure.

We had switched hospitals for the surgery to be done and because he had been released from one hospital, he couldn't be admitted into the NICU. So he recovered in the PICU and we stayed by his crib practically 24/7, only leaving to take a shower and grab some quick food. Even that was done separately so one of us would be there with him. Over the next 10 days, he went through a lot. I started typing all the details of his recovery, but changed my mind. He had a hard time. We had a hard time. The creatinine level came down each day and eventually got below 1.0. We got to feed him again, after about 9 days of no food and IV only, and focused on getting some weight back on him. He had dropped from 6lb 1oz to 4lb 13oz. I had been pumping breastmilk the whole time that he was not allowed food and created a nice supply. It was the only thing that was constant. I knew I had to pump every 2 hours because if he was able to, that's about how often he would nurse. It gave me the faintest hint of being a normal new mother. As soon as he started taking my milk he improved even faster. (Soap Box: I cannot stress enough the benefits of breastfeeding for a baby, and if that doesn't work, pump. It is a baby's best source of nutrition, period.) Once he showed some weight gain, 5lb 1oz, we were able to take him home. We were finally a family of three.

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That is the first 2 weeks of Mason's life. A lot to take in all at once. A lot to revisit for me all at once. We are preparing for the next major step in conquering this problem, which instigated this blog. Mason's Story to continue in the next post.

My happy

I was never a child, teenager, or young adult who felt like they had a concrete goal of where their life was to take them. I had an answer for the question, "What do you want to be when you grown up?" when it was asked. But the answer was usually taken from someone else or completely unrealistic, like pole dancer (what?!). On my first day of college, in my Longwood Seminar class, one of the first questions asked was, "why did you choose to go to college?". I was stumped. The only answer I could come up with was that it was the next logical step. It took me a year and a half to choose my major and I only declared because I had to. I just didn't have a plan, a dream.

After leaving college without graduating, by choice not grades, gemstones and diamonds gave me a temporary answer (thanks for supporting such a wild idea Dad!) of how I may want to spend my life. What girl doesn't want to spend her days staring at gorgeous, rare jewelry?!

Finally, after 6 years of pretty awesome marriage, travel and carefree fun, my husband and I were blessed with a heart beat in my belly. A flutter in an indistinguishable black and white picture. Joy, happiness, excitement, and flat out fear. From the beginning, I was terrified. Terrified of the life changes, lack of freedom, lack of sleep and new responsibilities. And to top it all off, horomones plus a changing body did not add great feelings to these fears. I wasn't a particularly happy pregnant woman, but also not miserable either, I think. We had some difficult times throughout the last 2 trimesters, but those are for the next post. If I knew during my pregnancy how I feel today, I would have enjoyed my pregnancy so much more.

I have found my happy.

I may not have had a profession that screamed "This is the place for you!", or a major in college that thrilled me, but I am where I am supposed to be. I am a mother. I live for every smile, giggle, milestone reached, and slobbery, open mouthed kiss. Diaper changes, surprisingly, don't bother me. Spit up, no big deal. And when I am out, or at the mall on a particulary adventurous day (ha!) I tend to find traces of pureed sweet potatoes, carrots and spinach somewhere on my clothing. I love my c-section scar and would be perfectly content if it never fades to a pencil thin line. My son is my light and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else at this point in my life.

Warm honey and Salty pretzels?

High five to myself for attempting a blog! I cannot guarantee that this will be kept up on a frequent or consistent basis. I will try, however, to share with you the moments in our lives that are special and/or meaningful. Which brings me to, the name.

There will be many, and mostly, posts of our overwhelming happiness, heart filling joy, and irritatingly wonderful moments. The ooey, gooey, Warm Honey dripping life moments that make me close my eyes and wish with all my being to stay in forever. Moments that make my heart want to explode because the awesomeness that is happening is that incredible. Warm Honey memories that years down the road will take me back to that exact moment and make me smile, giggle, and sometimes laugh out loud. The reason for living and loving. Warm Honey.

But as much as I wish our Warm Honey moments will be everyday for the rest of our lives, it is sadly unrealistic. I will have posts that are real. They will be difficult times for our family, hard days and weeks that we or I go through, and times when it seems as though the twists and turns will never straighten out. They will be hard, twisted, knotted, Salty Pretzels.

I write to entertain you and inform you. I want to laugh, cry, and love with you. Most of all I hope you enjoy what I have to say and share.

Thanks for joining me on this journey into motherhood and life as a REAL adult.


The reasons for all my Warm Honey moments....